If you’ve been on a self-help journey of any kind, chances are you’ve encountered the concept of using affirmation mantras for healing and to increase your self-love or even manifest positive outcomes into your life. And for some folks, it may be as straightforward as that; you start each day saying, “I am beautiful,” or “I love myself,” or “I am filled with hope and joy,” or “I attract only good things into my life,” and voila! Your feelings, outlook, and experiences begin to align with those statements and your life is transformed.
If that’s how it worked for you, then congratulations! Awesome! Way to go! This post is not for you, though, you lucky SOB.
This post is for the folks who had the opposite experience and somehow managed to actually feel worse after enlisting mantras in their journey.
My early attempts with mantras were a nightmare. Similar to my initial forays into meditation, the failure I seemingly experienced served to solidify my fear that I was hopeless and nothing I tried to make myself feel better — to be better — was ever going to work. I was always just going to be a mess because these things that worked for other people were instead digging the hole I was in deeper.
When I first learned about affirmation mantras, I compiled a big list of them and each day I would choose a few to focus on. I would write them down along with my goals and to-do’s for the day and periodically I would say them aloud. I also posted a few on the wall next to my desk and one at the top of my bathroom mirror.
Every once in a while, I would feel a twinge of hopefulness with this practice – thinking about how I wanted to feel focused my energy on something more positive than the reality of how terrible I actually felt and allowed me to picture what I was seeking. So, in that respect, it was at least a occasionally a distraction from the more common recurring thoughts in my head of things like, “I’m the worst,” “Why am I so fucked up?” and “Get yourself together, damnit.”
But more often than not, repeating things like, “I’m beautiful and I love myself inside and out,” or “Good things find their way to me with ease,” just made me feel worse. Not only did I not feel beautiful when I said it or suddenly have loads of good things happening, but now I was a liar too. Who was I fooling by saying that when I felt awful and was experiencing a whirlwind of challenging circumstances? Certainly not myself. I might be a mess, but I was no fool.
Another gloomy perspective that emerged when I didn’t possess the positive outlook contained within the mantra was that I began to see myself as a failure in my foray into spirituality and wellness. This technique is tried and true, right? Tons of folks have written articles and books about it. Experts have demonstrated that it works and can make a profound improvement in peoples’ lives. Everyone but mine, apparently, is what I thought. How fucked up did I have to be for something widely accepted as a proven strategy for healing and improving one’s life to have the complete opposite effect of actually making me feel worse?
Way to go, me – instead of creating a better life, I found a whole new way to prove to myself I was utterly broken.
The situation only worsened when I tried combining the mantras with mirror work, which involves saying a phrase while looking at your own reflection. I read an article suggesting that you can identify the areas in which you need the most work by noticing which phrases you have the hardest time looking yourself in the eye as you utter them. Guess how that turned out for me? Well, let it suffice to say that it’s hard to focus on your reflection when you’re bawling so profusely that you can’t even see at all. I don’t care what Louise Hay says, this shit was not healing my life.
A while after beginning therapy, I mentioned this challenge to my counselor and I was immensely relieved to learn that this struggle was not uncommon. She confirmed that for some folks, when the mantra felt untrue and did not reflect how you actually see yourself or life, it could actually make you feel worse.
Following this conversation, I began to only employ mantras that felt accurate to my experience and perspective. I tossed out every single one suggesting I loved and accepted myself exactly as I was, for example, because I absolutely did not (even if I knew I should). A few in heavy rotation at that time included:
- I am learning and growing every day.
- My relationship with myself is improving and I love myself more every day.
- My mistakes and flaws are opportunities for growth.
- I am becoming the best possible version of myself.
A few months later, I was listening to “The Homecoming” podcast hosted by the brilliant Dr. Thema Bryant, and she presented another approach. She suggested extending to yourself an invitation. From there, I also started to think of ways that the expression could also affirm the progress I saw in myself or be framed as a hope, even if I was not yet where I wanted to be.
A few examples of how I applied this shift include:
- I invite myself to be self-compassionate.
- I am learning how to be patient and calm.
- I am becoming kinder and gentler with myself and others.
- May I offer myself grace.
- Even though this is hard, I am learning to love myself exactly as I am in this moment.
- Everyone is worthy of love, kindness, and understanding – I am not an exception.
- I am creating new, healthier boundaries with myself and others.
- I am beginning to accept myself exactly as I am.
If you’ve had a similar experience to what I described above, don’t give up! And if you find that starting with more realistic, but still-positive options works for you, circle back to the loftier ones periodically to try them on for size again, because one of these days you really, truly may love and accept yourself exactly as you are in this moment.
Good luck!
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