Earlier this month on a tour at the Mammoth National Cave, I was walking in front of a couple and overheard the woman commenting on one of the man’s aunts, who was nicer, calmer, more personable, and relaxed lately when they saw her. He concurred and she said, “I like her so much more now, why was she like that?”
He said the shift happened after her mother died. I tuned out as much as possible but caught the jist that this aunt was perhaps so caught up in the idea of who she was supposed to be and how she was expected to act based on her relationship with her mother, that once the elder passed away, she immediately became less tense. Without the pressure and the inclination to be so performative in playing a role rather than simply being herself, her company became more enjoyable and being in a relationship with her was more pleasant.
The woman then went on to compare this to a couple of her own cousins who were waiting for their Aunt Nell to die so they could finally come out of the closet. I assume from how this was stated that these folks are actually fairly comfortable with their sexual identity as homosexuals and they apparently aren’t too worried about other family members in their life not accepting them for who they are. But because there is one key person they expect a negative reaction from, they choose to continue living with this part of their life incognito.
Research has attempted to measure what percentage of Americans are living in the closet through surveys and other means. One recent assessment suggests that 1% of adults are in the closet, which equates to 30% of the LGB population. Whether it’s because of an Aunt Nell figure in their family, fear of stigma in other communities they’re a part of, or any other number of reasons, I support these folks in their decision to keep their sexuality to themselves. But my heart also breaks for them because the damage that keeping this secret can cause is even more well-researched and documented than the effort to identify how many folks are in this situation.
Staying in the closet can damage both mental and physical health in myriad ways. In fact, the science on this is now so accepted that a group of scientists in Montreal declared that it wasn’t a “matter of popular debate, but a matter of public health.”
Homophobia, stigma, and other challenging experiences that homosexuals face are certainly difficult, yet research from the past decade indicates that openly disclosing one’s sexual orientation is correlated with less occurrence of chronic stress. A 2016 article from Out Smart, Houston’s LGBTQ Magazine, summarized well the main ailments related to feeling forced to hide one’s sexual identity, which includes:
- Dissociative Identity Disorder
- Chronic depression
- Self-disgust and self-hatred
- Low self-esteem and negative self-view
- Destructive behaviors, such as alcohol/drug abuse and suicidal thoughts
There’s so much more I’d like to say on this topic, but for the sake of brevity, I’ll end here for now by encouraging all hetero folks, young and old alike, to consider the following questions as we close out Pride Month:
- Is there any way that I may be an Aunt Nell to my own family or friends or in my community?
- If I am uncomfortable with homosexuality, does the comfort I experience from people hiding their true identities outweigh my desire for my family, friends, and community to be healthy and well? Would I feel the same way if I knew that they expect to have fuller, more authentic lives once I’m gone simply as a result of me no longer being alive?
- If I am comfortable with homosexuality, how can I be a more active ally and challenge the Aunt Nells within my own circles to embrace others as their full selves?
hezhub.com 