Bookworm for Life

As I shared in “Reasons to be Grateful: Libraries,” I have always been a huge bookworm. I was an early reader, devouring titles far beyond my grade level from a young age. Who needs standard second-grade reading material when you can handle Babysitter’s Club and Nancy Drew? I confess that Stephen King’s Christine made my tummy turn a few times in third grade (ugh, that scene in the tunnel-bridge in chapter 14!). Still, it was no challenge for my reading comprehension abilities.

My love for reading often got me into trouble as a youngster — at school (reading recreational books during class), at church (perusing my new selections from the church library during the sermon), at family outings (sneaking into my grandma’s smut books), and at home (ignoring everyone to read instead).

I was practically obsessed with reading. I’d even consume nonsensical materials, like spending my whole shower reading the shampoo and conditioner bottles, or reviewing every last word on the cereal box during breakfast — multiple times a week, no less.

It turns out this may have been a feature of my neurodivergence: I recently learned that 84% of people with hyperlexia are autistic. This condition relates to children who develop a strong interest in letters, possibly even fixating on them. Hyperlexic children also possess an earlier, more advanced ability to read than their peers.

These criteria indeed described me to a tee, and it didn’t go unnoticed. After meeting me just a few times when I was in second grade, my older sister’s friend aptly nicknamed me Webster due to my penchant for using so many big words he couldn’t understand.

Another neurodivergent quirk about my reading habits is that I typically have 3-5 books in rotation at any given time. My therapist pointed out that this might be challenging for neurotypicals to keep track of, but for my AuDHD brain, having various categories of books on hand allows me to choose what to read based on my mood, satisfying my craving for novelty and dopamine.

Whether my love of words and reading style is a symptom or a personality trait is debatable. But what is certain is this: I love love love loooooooooove reading.

One of my least favorite things about my two stints in higher education is that all of the studying left little time or appetite for recreational books. In the years since finishing my master’s, though, my love for reading has returned with a vengeance.

I’ve begun turning to audiobooks to fill many of the countless hours I spend driving between pet-sitting gigs. Along with traditional reading, the number of books I plow through in a year has reached an epic new high for me, with more than 50 titles annually becoming a norm. JOY!

Another thing I’ve really appreciated during my recreational reading revival is finding more opportunities to read and discuss books with people. During K-12, undergrad, and grad schools, I really took the built-in sense of reading and learning as a community for granted. That’s why I’m jazzed that I found a fantastic free book club called Leaders Who Fiction, which I’ll talk more about in a future blog post. If poetry is more your speed, you may instead enjoy Blue Stoop’s new Poetry Club.

I’m sharing this not just to geek out about reading, but also as an invitation to discuss books with anyone interested. What are you reading? Do you love it or hate it? Would you recommend it? What’s next on your list? What’s your favorite book? I’ want to hear it all!

If you’re a fellow bookworm, you can also connect with me on StoryGraph. (Not familiar with StoryGraph? Read my blog post, “Getting the F**k Off of Goodreads” to learn more.)

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Reasons to be Grateful: Libraries

I got COVID pretty badly last September. While on quarantine for over a week, I often thought about what a marvel libraries are. There I was, symptomatic and contagious as hell, yet undeterred in my ability to access countless e-books, audiobooks, movies, and television series. From the comfort of bed at my mom’s house in Ohio, I logged on to my Pittsburgh library’s website, selected, checked out, and downloaded a Zora Neale Hurston book within minutes. Best of all: it was FREE.

As a home-free nomad who rarely stays in any given geography for more than a couple of weeks, relying on traditional book lending is impossible, so digital lending has been a lifesaver. However, my love for libraries goes back much farther than the digital era.

      “The only thing that you absolutely have to know, is the location of the library.”

Albert Einstein

My parents regularly took me to visit the libraries in our neighboring towns. My check-out piles always contained far more books than I could read in a single lending period, as well as a stack of Wee Sing Silly Songs cassettes and songbooks that taught me how to read sheet music years before I began piano lessons.

I occupied countless hours at my parents’ part-time jobs immersed in library books while they were bookkeeping, landscaping, cleaning, delivering pizzas, engraving trophies, and so on. When my dad began attending the local community college, he often deposited me with a very kind librarian who was generous with her time. The availability of books for folks my age was understandably limited. Still, she guided me through their offerings and introduced me to classics like The Giver, A Wrinkle in Time, and Tuesdays with Morrie.

Even as a widowed single parent, my mom continued finding time for regular library visits. In junior high, we often had two of my friends in tow, and together, we badgered the reference desk with nonstop inter-library loan requests. We were committed to reading all the cool alternative magazines and rock biographies they didn’t carry at the local branch.

It was during this era, when CDs were still a new format and I only owned about 10, that I began checking out as many albums as you possibly could at any given time. Often, I didn’t even recognize the artists whose albums I checked out; I just grabbed anything with an interesting name or cool cover art. Since it didn’t cost anything, there was no pressure to be selective; I could test out anything I got my hands on, ranging from early rock n’ roll to jazz standards and ballads to movie soundtracks.

A similar exploratory dive occurred when I first began dabbling in mindfulness and meditation a few years ago. I’d never heard of Thich Nhat Hanh, Tara Brock, or Deepak Chopra, nor did I know how to locate the topics in the library filing system, so I beseeched the friendly guy at the reference desk to help. As he guided me around a few different sections, he told me about his own mindfulness practices, offered recommendations, and reassured me that it was okay that I was “bad” at meditation. The conversation was a real comfort at a difficult time and provided some much-needed redirection in how I was thinking about my spiritual journey.

“I have always imagined that paradise will be a kind of library.”

Jorge Luis Borges

Outcomes of library visits are not always so profound. Still, I’ve learned I can turn to the library for much more than books and other media. Here are several more examples of expansive ways the library has been a blessing in my life:

  • During gaps in my pet-sitting schedule, I borrow wifi hotspots to use for freelance work while I’m staying at my mom’s in Wayne County, Ohio.
  • When I found myself seeking a career change, the library supported my job hunt with books on resumes, programs on job hunting, and printing services.
  • I’ve hosted community events at several Pittsburgh branches and have immense appreciation for the convening and connecting that libraries make possible.
  • As a nonprofit professional, I’ve relied on resources provided for free at the library, such as access to Candid (a website used to research potential funding sources).
  • Many happy memories were made toting my nieces off to story time, anime club, and crafting events.
  • When I began experiencing breathing issues, I turned to the library’s air monitor program to assess whether indoor pollution in my home or workplace was part of the problem.
  • The library has always been a cheaper and more pleasant option than Staples, Office Depot, etc, for basic printing and scanning.
  • When I became curious about electronic music gear, I was able to check out drum machines and samplers from the Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh.

In the post “Cultivating Gratitude,” I mentioned that I make a daily list of reasons I am grateful. Since I began that practice, libraries and librarians have repeatedly appeared, and I am sure they will continue to!

“The very existence of libraries affords the best evidence that we may yet have hope for the future of man.”

T.S. Eliot

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Creating My AuDHD-friendly Life (Part 2b)

In Part 2a, I shared how beneficial body doubling is for me. Now, I will talk about some specific places you might try virtual body doubling online. While there are many platforms to choose from, I will focus on the ones I’ve used personally. At the end of this post, you will find links to other articles that compare and contrast additional options.

Focusmate

I occasionally use Focusmate, which is the first body double site I tried out. Focusmate pairs you with a single partner for a session of varying lengths up to one hour. You can choose whether you want to be paired with someone doing desk work or physically moving around. As you spend more time on the site, you can also begin to ‘favorite’ folks you’ve enjoyed working alongside, and they’ll pair you up with them when possible. But typically, the assignments are at random.

The nice thing about Focusmate is that even without a membership, you can have up to three free sessions per week. So, this is a great option for dipping your toes in the water. I imagine it’s also a good fit for folks who are less interested in the social aspects of body doubling or who may get overstimulated in sessions with multiple people.

Deepwrk

Though Focusmate is lovely, and some folks prefer the one-to-one aspect of it, I just reached my first anniversary on Deepwrk in mid-April and can’t possibly say enough good things about it. Compared to Focusmate, it’s a much more robust platform in many ways, including the social aspects. With more than 2,000 sessions (one hour each) under my belt, I am not joking when I say I can’t even picture life without this platform anymore!

When I joined, I was still fairly recently diagnosed with ADHD (and suspected Autism). I had spent a couple of years recovering from burnout leading up to diagnosis and was dedicated to learning how to work better with my brain so that I could return to full gusto without immediately burning myself back out. The strides I’ve made in the year since becoming a Deepwrk member have been life-changing!

I’m less significantly impacted by time blindness and more aware of what a realistic to-do list looks like from one hour to the next. Others’ examples remind me to take breaks and check in with my body and energy. I feel comfortable sharing when I’m struggling and always find that there is someone who can relate and a bunch of folks cheering me on.

Recent revamps to the platform have opened up opportunities for members to host and greatly expanded the number of hours per day with live sessions. There’s also a Quiet Focus Space available 24/7/365 in which folks gather to silently co-work and use only the chat for optional updates.

Deepwrk also hosts an increasing number of themed sessions, like the peer support group, a group that discusses tech tools and other strategies we’ve found to help us manage productivity and focus, and a crafting group. I’ve personally enjoyed hosting weekly writing and music-making sessions.

There’s a Social Community where members can connect and share their wins, recommend resources that have helped them, and even post pet pictures—who doesn’t need more cute animals in their life?! But you can also just drop in and focus on your tasks; there’s no need to get involved and socialize if that’s not your desire. All are welcome!

Aside from getting more stuff done, I’ve really just come to value this community and the positive energy it brings to my life. We are a diverse bunch who learn from each other and lend support in countless ways.

If you’d like to try Deepwrk, you can use my referral link to access an extended 30-day free trial. I’m also happy to connect with folks for a virtual tour, explain more about how it works, or field questions – consider me your (unofficial) Deepwrk Ambassador!

Learn More

If you’d like to learn about other body doubling platforms, here’s a list of articles you may find helpful:

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That’s a Wrap!

I had a blast once again this year celebrating National Poetry Writing Month!

This year, the folks at NaPoWriMo centered their prompts on art and music. As a fan of both, I found most of the daily challenges to be a true pleasure. I got the chance to peruse the digital collections of countless museums worldwide for inspiration, learn about new-to-me artists, and see many examples of how other poets incorporate musicality into their written works.

This year’s prompts also presented several opportunities to play with various forms. I struggled through an emotionally taxing ballad and a complicated sonnet, a form with strict rhythm, rhyme, and meter. I had fun with my first acrostic poem since elementary school. I also went off-prompt for a day of haikus, wishing my father a happy birthday in heaven.

There were some fun wordplay prompts, including one that provided several words for poets to choose from to create a poem. This led to one of my most random poems ever, which entailed the protagonist being feasted on by a group of vampires. Another allowed me to riff on a few lines from my favorite hip-hop song (“Lovelife” by Atmosphere).

Compared to last year, it is evident how much my skills have improved. But I also devoted much more time each day to working on edits. I involved AI in the editing process for the first time ever, which was interesting. I was a late adopter of AI; my resistance owed much to the conflicts many creatives have with these dang robots. However, I had careful boundaries around how I would and would not allow the AI to get involved and found myself developing a fairly refined approach for working with it throughout the editing process.

Some days, NaPoWriMo was invigorating; other days, it was exhausting. The 24-hour turnaround certainly puts a fire under me, but given the length of my pieces, it’s not a realistic timeframe to get anything to a polished state. Next year, I will consider limiting myself to poems that are only one page or less, or perhaps deprioritize maintaining my daily streak.

In regards to that daily streak, I am delighted to say that I only missed a single day this year. And even that day wasn’t “missed” per se. Rather, I felt too shy to share that day’s poem with the person it was written about, so I didn’t feel comfortable publishing it.

That secret poem wasn’t the only one written in honor of a person. As I mentioned, there were haikus for my dad. I also had the pleasure of expressing poetic gratitude for my mom getting me into piano lessons, celebrating a body-positive artist I met recently, a heavy and sad tribute to a young autistic man who was recently gunned down by police in Idaho, and a tribute to the late Buddy Hackett and Sergei Rachmaninoff.

In addition to all the written works, I enjoyed reading a few of my poems to a live audience in Wooster, Ohio, at The Lyric Theater‘s first-ever Open Mic Night. I was the only poet on the roster of talented locals, so I decided to mix in some comedic storytelling. Sandwiching a poem about being hit by a bus in between jokes about that unfortunate event was much easier than I expected, and it garnered some laughs, which bodes well for my future forays into comedy!

Overall, it was a wonderful and poetic April! If you didn’t get a chance to check out the daily shares on Facebook or Instagram, the webpage where I was publishing these works-in-progress will continue to be viewable for the foreseeable future. Since many of these drafts were coming along well, I expect to keep polishing many of them in the months ahead, so morphed renditions will likely be circulated.

Thanks to all who read my work and cheered me on. It’s vulnerable to share creative work of any kind, even more so when it was created hastily and does not feel “done,” so the encouragement from so many of you this past month has been immensely appreciated!

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Creating My AuDHD-friendly Life (Part 2a)

Early in my ADHD treatment, a psychiatrist from my care team suggested body doubling as a productivity strategy to help with focus issues. Body doubling is a technique in which you work on tasks with another person or group. Though the people involved work together, they each have individual tasks or projects.

I’ll be honest, I was initially skeptical. The notion of signing into platforms where you can virtually co-work with strangers sounded… well, strange. I wondered: How the heck can that help? Aren’t other people typically distracting when you want to be in the zone? That was certainly my experience the few times I worked in jobs with open floorplans and struggled to ignore the ongoings of colleagues in my immediate vicinity.

It wasn’t until early 2024 that I finally looked into the wonderful world of body doubling, which is especially known for helping folks with ADHD, but can be beneficial for anyone. And boy, am I glad I finally did so because it has been a game-changer! I actually just reached my one-year anniversary on my platform of choice, Deepwrk, and I can’t wait to tell you more about it in Part 2b! But first, let’s go over the basics.

How it Works

Body doubling can be done virtually or in person. You may know the folks you do it with or connect with strangers. The presence of the body double(s) is really the only key ingredient, though my psychiatrist noted that you can even do it alone by tricking your brain with the use of a mirror.

There is no need for the tasks that folks are working on to have any relation. I’ve body doubled with folks coding and building websites in India while I was meditating and brushing my teeth to start the day in Pennsylvania. Or gotten ready for bed while West Coasters were getting off work and making dinner. Or written blog posts – including this one! – while students were studying for exams, scientists were reviewing data sets, and artists were painting canvases for their upcoming show.

While body doubling is often associated with neurodivergent folks like myself, the strategy can be effective for anyone. Just don’t be surprised if you check out a body doubling platform (which I’ll talk more about in Part 2b) and find yourself surrounded by a bunch of folks with ADHD, Autism, Bipolar, Borderline Personality, and more! (Should that be your experience, don’t worry – we don’t bite!)

Benefits of Body Doubling

When you know someone else is working alongside you, even if you’re not collaborating on the same project, you’re more likely to stay on task and avoid distractions. Even the practice of saying aloud to my body doubles what I plan to do for a period of time helps me stay on track.

The benefits of body doubling include accountability, reduced procrastination, and increased motivation. It can be especially helpful for people who struggle with task initiation, time management, or staying focused. Additionally, body doubling can help you develop a sense of camaraderie and community, even if you’re working independently. You can share breaks, discuss challenges, and celebrate successes with your coworking partner(s), making the work experience more enjoyable and engaging.

Some people find that body doubling helps them stay focused and avoid burnout, while others appreciate the social aspect and the opportunity to connect with others while getting work done. Overall, body doubling can be a simple yet effective way to boost productivity and motivation and make your work experience more pleasant.

Recommendations for Best Practices

Different websites that offer virtual body doubling have structures and guidelines that manage their sessions’ flow. Whether you’re using one of those or just pairing up with a friend or colleague, I’m listing here some recommendations based on what has worked best for me:

  • Agree upon the length of the session and the schedule for check-ins and/or breaks in advance, then use a timer to stick to the plan.
  • Begin with a brief check-in to state goals or intentions and leave time for a check-out to share progress.
  • Don’t just share successes – one of the most magical parts of body doubling for me has been identifying my challenges and feeling supported by those I work alongside.
  • Remember to take breaks! In a flow state, it can be easy to forget important things like looking away from the screen periodically to rest your eyes, the body’s need to stretch and move, or even biological needs like bathroom breaks. No matter what you want to get done, you’ll work better when you remember to tune into your body and incorporate rest.
  • It helps to minimize distractions, such as turning off your phone’s notifications or removing it from the space entirely.

Learn More

In the next installment, I’ll discuss some platforms you can use for virtual body doubling. Ahead of then, here are links to articles you may find of interest if you’d like to learn more about the technique and evidence supporting the efficacy of body doubling:

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National Poetry Writing Month Returns

The Academy of American Poets began National Poetry Month in 1996. Last April, I wrote on the blog about how I “accidentally” became a poet. Though it wasn’t originally on my list of writing aspirations, it is the writing practice I’ve maintained with the most regularity since I began scribbling stanzas a few years back.

Since last April, I’ve kept up with my daily ritual of writing an average of two poems every morning. Yes, that means I wrote over 700 poems last year!

With such regular practice, any skill is bound to improve, and I’m gaining confidence in my talents as a poetess. This year, I even signed up as an official NaPoWriMo participant. NaPoWriMo is a website begun in 2003 by Maureen Thorsen. Like Inktober for visual artists, NaPoWriMo offers optional daily prompts that challenge poets to incorporate certain themes or forms into a piece.

Last year, I did most of the prompts, but I didn’t register with the NaPoWriMo site. Instead, I opted to stay low-key and share select works on social media. Mainly, this was because I felt uncomfortable sharing rough sketches of poems.

Usually, when I write a poem, it’s a stream-of-consciousness draft about whatever comes to mind that morning. With the massive volume of drafts I am creating, only a small portion of these pieces get revisited for editing. Among those, it gets whittled down even further to the very few that become polished to a shine and ready for sharing, which may mean reading it to my monthly poetry circle (Philly Poetic Resistance), publishing it here on my website, or occasionally submitting something for consideration by a publication or in a contest.

Besides being one more year experienced than last April, and having more confidence, I’ve also shifted my thinking about poems. I am learning to see them as never really being “done.” There are many pieces I’ve published here on the site that I went on to update further. I also have some that I thought I felt settled upon until sharing them with my writing buddy, who offered new insights and perspectives that inspired me to revise them again.

“A poem is never finished, only abandoned.”

paul valery

With this change in perspective, it feels easier to prematurely release works into the wild before they’re “done.” That said, it still takes some courage to share pieces that have only existed for a single day, which offers limited time for tweaking them or reviewing them again with fresh eyes. But I expect most readers of my work to be kind-hearted, encouraging folks who aren’t going to talk shit if they notice a typo or dislike something they read. (If that’s not you, just don’t read my poetry!)

So, with all this said, I’m inviting anyone interested to keep an eye on my very official, new NaPoWriMo 2025 page of the website, where I will be releasing new work throughout the month. Occasionally, there will also be older works that I’ve edited appearing, along with poems from folks whose work I admire. Whatever the case, I’ll celebrate poetry each day this month somehow, and I hope you will join me!

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Moderation March (Part 3)

In the first two installments of this miniseries, I described my surprise at sliding into Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) and my decision to avoid the 12-step or abstinence-based recovery models. Now, I’ll discuss what helped me successfully recover from AUD.

Moderation Management

Although I’ve got some beef with AA (described in part 2) and decided that it wasn’t the right fit for someone like me who planned to moderate rather than quit drinking, I still felt like I needed some support from folks experiencing similar struggles. Fortunately, my therapist often has excellent recommendations and suggested I check out Moderation Management (MM).

MM is a 501c3 nonprofit organization with a free online support community that offers:  

  • weekly virtual meetings at varied times
  • core groups in which you get matched with 3-4 other folks with similar backgrounds and moderation goals  
  • a private Facebook group
  • a listserv and chatrooms
  • occasional themed groups that convene a cohort of folks with a focus on specific topics

While their main focus is to support people seeking to healthily moderate alcohol intake, they also host dedicated meetings and online resources for anyone practicing abstinence. The program recommends new members start with a 30-day abstinence period to disrupt the associations they have between drinking and provide a mental reset before developing new skills. Some members also decide that abstinence is the best solution for them after failed attempts at moderating, but prefer to stick with the MM community rather than switching to AA.

Some of the key things I experienced while active with MM that were invaluable to my recovery included:

  • Joining meetings for groups with specific criteria matching my life experience, e.g., the women’s and ADHD groups.
  • Participated in the Kickstart group with a cohort of members working together to learn new strategies for moderation, compare experiences, cheer one another on, and gain more accountability around our goals.
  • Participating in a book club that read Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind allowed me to combine my interest in mindfulness with goals to successfully manage my slide into AUD territory.

I also benefited immensely from MM’s Toolbox, which included 31 days of tools and concrete, specific strategies for moderation that I experimented with. Group leaders reinforced that different strategies may work better for different folks and that there is no one-size-fits-all solution, so I felt empowered to try everything without pressuring myself with unrealistic expectations that doing this work would result in a magical fix.

For me, the strategies that helped the most were:

  • Delaying my usual drinking start-time or cutting my end time off by one hour.
  • Requiring myself to have one non-alcoholic drink between every alcoholic one.
  • Forcing myself to surf urges for at least 15 minutes before choosing to go forward with drinking since often that’s how long it takes for a desire to pass.
  • Brushing my teeth when I’m planning to quit drinking for the night, which tells my brain I’m “done.”
  • Making it more difficult to drink by not keeping alcohol on hand or only buying limited quantities so I can’t over-indulge.
  • Making a contract with myself detailing guidelines for drinking, which I then reviewed and signed before every drinking occasion.
  • Incentivizing myself with rewards for successfully sticking to my contract, e.g., 30 days of successful moderating resulted in using the money I saved to splurge on something I usually wouldn’t have treated myself to, like dinner out or a new clothing item.

Other Invaluable Supports

While MM was vital to my success in recovering from Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD), other supports that were also important throughout my journey:

  • Mindfulness—especially the skills I learned during my time in the free Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program that I blogged about in 2023.
  • A Supportive Community—I felt fortunate to encounter open minds and nonjudgemental encouragement from the folks I chose to be open and vulnerable with during the messier periods of my recovery, including family, friends, and my therapist.
  • Health-centered Lifestyle—the better care I took of my body, the less likely I was to drink, so even when I couldn’t seem to successfully manage my alcohol consumption, I knew I could focus on upping my exercise, improve my diet, leave time for adequate sleep, and do everything in my power to help my body heal from the harm I caused it.

Since March is over, this is my final post on alcohol moderation (for now, at least). Ultimately, I hope this series has shown that there is always hope and that recovery is possible. 

Though I am not a professional advisor for AUD recovery, I am always happy to discuss this topic and my experience. If you are concerned about your alcohol intake, don’t hesitate to get in touch if you would like a safe space to discuss your experience and thoughts for the future. The same goes for folks who are in relationships with folks who may be struggling with their alcohol intake.

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Moderation March (Part 2)

In Part 1 of this series, I described my surprising slip into Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD). Unexpected, in particular, because I don’t even enjoy the taste of alcohol. As mentioned, I was slow to gain awareness that the unhealthy relationship I was developing with drinking was actually a problem. But once I recognized the truth, the question became what to do about it.

I considered giving alcohol up completely. After all, I didn’t even like it that much. And what began as a social habit was, by this time, typically a solo endeavor due to social distancing practices during the peak of COVID. It’s not like there was peer pressure or unavoidable temptations.

However, I recognized in this emerging drinking problem a troubling trend about myself in general: I suck at moderation. When I commit to quitting something, I typically succeed. After years of over-consuming television, I went on to spend over a decade living without cable or streaming services. When I eventually quit smoking cigarettes after nearly 20 years, I did it cold turkey without any relapses. When I go “off the sugar,” as I refer to it, I do so the most successfully when it’s complete abstinence, not just a reduction in my enjoyment of sweets.

It’s good to be able to quit things, but I didn’t like the idea of resigning myself to controlling choices and behaviors only through deprivation. I wanted to instead become a person who could eat a piece of cake without it turning into a three-month bender on sweets.

And so, while I considered quitting alcohol entirely, I ultimately decided to instead treat it as a playground of sorts, where I could experiment with strategies for moderating. It felt like a low-risk situation because if I succeeded, I could hopefully pick up the new skills and drop them into other areas of my life. If I failed, then I’d just quit drinking – not a huge loss since I didn’t care for the flavors anyway and was beginning to experience more negative effects like hangovers, headaches, heartburn, and sleep disruptions.

The choice to pursue moderation rather than abstinence is a risky one for many folks. I want to acknowledge that and say that I’m not suggesting this decision of mine is the right one for everyone.

That said, while abstinence-based programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) may be thought of as the gold standard for addressing drinking problems, they actually have unimpressive success rates. First, it’s helpful to know that only about 20% of people with AUD seek treatment to begin with. Of those who make their way to programs like AA, around 40% remain abstinent one year in (according to AA; there is speculation that this figure is greatly inflated). This means no more than 5-10% of people suffering from AUD are helped by AA and other programs focused on abstinence.

There are many reasons for this, some of which I’ll share below and are based on both scientific research and anecdotal experience from my time among other folks in recovery:

  • The reliance on a higher power alienates atheists and folks with religious beliefs different from the predominantly Christian AA groups.
  • The acceptance of being powerless makes people feel… well, powerless, which may contribute to inaction, resignation, and shame, whereas other treatments focus on empowerment and developing skills to regain control over alcohol consumption.
  • Many folks have AUD but are not yet alcoholics, which may deter them away from the all-or-nothing approach of AA.
  • Not everyone agrees that alcoholism is a disease, let alone incurable.
  • While abstinence may ultimately be what many folks suffering from AUD need in the long run, going straight for that goal does not set everyone up for success compared to harm reduction approaches that encourage limiting alcohol rather than restricting it, which can kick off erratic binge-restrict cycles.

A final critique I want to explore in more detail is related to the recognition chips that AA members receive on the anniversary of their sobriety’s beginning date. While the fancy medallions are certainly a nice way to acknowledge the hard work AA members are putting into abstinence, there are drawbacks to the mentality that any slip-up wipes away steady progress.

The very premise of this aspect of AA seems to be completely out of touch with the well-documented Stages of Change that include the step “relapse,” where mistakes and setbacks occur and result in the need to recalibrate and resume efforts to change behaviors. Rather than seeing behavior change as a linear progression forward into “maintenance” with the expectation of staying there forever, Step 6 being relapse puts forth the more likely case that growing through the stages will resemble an upward spiral.

Every phase, including relapse, is a vital step in the trajectory forward. No step taken eliminates progress or wipes away achievements. For me, and many others, this is a far more empowering and positive way of looking at recovery from AUD, alcoholism, and pretty much any other nasty habit one is trying to eliminate.  

For anyone interested in learning more about the drawbacks of abstinence-based recovery programs or the merits of other approaches, I’m linking some articles below that may be of interest:

In the next installment of this series, I will describe the strategies that helped me recover from AUD without the 12-step approach.

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Moderation March (Part 1)

The observation of “Dryuary,” where folks abstain from alcohol for the first month of the year, is becoming increasingly popular. Some people also observe a “Damp February,” where they only drink on weekends. “Moderation March” closes out the trio with the invitation to become less restrictive with alcohol while observing healthy, moderate balance in its reintroduction.

Moderation has never been a strong suit of mine with any vice. I was an overweight kid with a soda addiction and an insatiable sweet tooth. When I began smoking cigarettes as a teenager, my intake escalated quickly, and I found myself with a pack-a-day habit less than three months in. I was a late adopter of smartphones and social media, but like most Americans, I struggled with absurd amounts of screen time once I found my way to this chapter of the digital age.

Many neurodivergents face more significant challenges with moderating behaviors such as these. This is partly because of the impulse control and executive function required to manage the actions we take throughout the day. It’s also related to the little boosts of dopamine that our brains crave, which we briefly receive from these activities. It’s not uncommon for self-medicating to be a factor as well, especially for those who were late-diagnosed and didn’t realize that’s what we were doing.

With this in mind, I shouldn’t be surprised that I wound up struggling with maintaining a healthy relationship with alcohol in my late 30s and early 40s. Still, there is an absurdity to my slip-slide into anything resembling a drinking problem, because the truth is that I hate alcohol. The taste is so disgusting to me that the only thing I could tolerate enough to drink was vodka partnered with a sweet and sugary drink to cover the flavor. Any other liquors could only be consumed with my nose plugged – I am not kidding. And forget about wine or beer, yuck!

Given my dislike of the flavor, it took quite a while before I got into drinking at all. But once I discovered a tolerance for swigging down vodka with cranberry juice, Coke, or root beer, it didn’t take long before I found enjoyment in being tipsy and/or drunk, even if I never learned to savor the process of getting there.

For nearly a decade, I was an infrequent drinker who only imbibed at shows or major social occasions. In my mid-thirties, though, things began to change. I started to become the “drinks with dinner” drinker. And the “had a bad day” drinker. Also, the “had a good day” drinker. As well as the “hooray, it’s the weekend” drinker. And even the “cleaning the house is boring, I may as well get drunk to do it” drinker.

Unlike people who like the taste of beer, wine, or a cocktail, I strictly drank for the buzz, so I rarely stopped at one or two cocktails. I wouldn’t even bother to drink unless I was planning to have three or four. But at least during this initial foray of introducing drinking into more activities and situations, I was typically still under five at max.

Things began to shift in my late thirties. In September 2019, I found myself unexpectedly unemployed; the stress of that, coupled with pursuing my master’s and other life matters, apparently made me eager to escape by way of the bottle. Someone close to me called me out for the troubling trend at the time, but I thought of all the folks I knew who drank more and more often and grew defensive instead. After all, I’d never really been a drinker, so it was easy to insist I didn’t have an issue when the behavior was still well within the realm of lifestyles I’d seen modeled by so many others who I didn’t think of as having a drinking problem.

Eventually, though, a few months into the pandemic, it became apparent to me that I did not have a healthy relationship with alcohol. Like many folks during COVID, I began drinking more frequently. As a result, my tolerance increased, so then my 4-5 drinks became more like 6-8. This meant I was having anywhere between 12-24 drinks per week.

I began having more and more hangovers, some of which disrupted workdays – I remember one day, in particular, having to do a Zoom meeting off-camera with a trash can at my feet that I periodically puked into. Another day, I slept the ick feelings away while periodically checking Slack and email from bed to ensure I wasn’t missing anything important.

Fortunately, I never lost control to the point of harming myself or ruining relationships like many others have experienced. I was mostly a solo drinker, especially during quarantine, so most people in my life weren’t even aware of the uptick in my consumption. Even I wasn’t aware of how alarming my drinking rates really were until a random part-time job of mine offered an unintended major wake-up call.

I have a side gig as a standardized patient (SP) at two medical schools. SPs depict real symptoms and interactions with medical students and then offer feedback about the interpersonal aspects of the encounter. One semester, I worked with two classes in which I depicted patients at high risk for Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD). Neither patient realized they were binge drinking according to current consumption guidelines, so acting surprised by the news was the first reaction portrayed. Then, depending on the skill level of the learner sharing this news, I was supposed to become offended if anything in the interaction caused me to feel lectured to, judged, or criticized. The thing is, I didn’t have to dig deep into my acting chops to portray these characters, because both women actually drank less than I did at the time.  

Once I investigated the drinking guidelines, I was astounded to learn how modest healthy intake was considered to be.

According to a national survey, 14.1 million adults ages 18 and older (5.6% of this age group) had AUD in 2019. Among youth, an estimated 414,000 adolescents ages 12–17 (1.7% of this age group) had AUD during this timeframe. Given trends during COVID, I suspect these numbers have increased significantly in the years since.

Most troubling of all, nearly 80% of people with AUD never seek treatment. Fortunately, I was not in the majority – instead, I took the time to investigate my relationship with alcohol and make significant changes. It was hardly a linear path to success. Even today, I move through life with the sense that if I choose to drink, I will probably always have to be diligent in monitoring my consumption and mindset to prevent lapsing back into the harmful behaviors that escalated into unhealthy ways of living.

In the next installments of this series, I will share more about the ways I approached my recovery and some resources you may find helpful if you are also someone who struggles with moderating your alcohol intake, whether periodically or regularly.

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Silver Linings of Being Hit by a Bus (Part 3)

I was always a self-reliant and resourceful person, but after overcoming the many calamities that befell me as a result of the bus accident, I became much more confident in my abilities to overcome any damn thing life throws at me. I mean, if a BUS can’t take me out, what can?

I didn’t navigate my recovery perfectly by any means, but no matter how tough things got, I never gave up or let setbacks convince me that things could not improve. Eventually, my healing journey went further than I ever could have expected, which today helps me maintain my resolve in situations where the outlook appears dire or things seem to be continually sliding into disarray.

My rationale is along these lines: If I could find ways to turn something as catastrophic as being hit by a bus into a blessing by using it to improve my overall health and become stronger than ever before, imagine what else is possible!

This shift in my perspective allowed me to see problems and challenges as opportunities for growth. Not that I feel happy-go-lucky when the shit is hitting the fan. Nor do I look for the silver linings immediately or expect some magical metamorphosis to occur in the wake of every difficulty. I’d actually hazard to guess that approaching life’s hardships that way would only bring more misery and suffering in the thick of any storm I find myself in.

But what I’m at least open to after becoming the “Local Woman Hit By Bus” is the possibility of “post-traumatic growth.” This term was coined by Richard Tedeschi, PhD, and Lawrence Calhoun, PhD, whose theory states that people often see positive growth in their relationships, worldview, or other personal areas following a crisis or period of adversity.

“[Post-traumatic growth] results from a ‘psychological earthquake’ where your world is now divided between before it happened, and after it happened. It’s a defining moment that changes life as you’ve known it.”

Dr. Debi Silber

Finding the Seeds of Goodness

I forget when this occurred or who I was talking to, but I remember hearing myself explaining to someone that it was only thanks to the bus accident that I became such a physically active person. In “Silver Linings of Being Hit by a Bus (Part 2),” I touched on the fact that I wasn’t taking care of my health or body much at all before the accident. I’d had back pain and issues with my feet since high school, but accepted that was just life. I wasn’t doing anything about it, not even stretching. Walking and working in the service industry were about it for physical activity.

The years after the accident brought about a transformation. First, with the realization that I had to keep moving if I wanted to keep moving. Then, I explored what kinds of physical activities worked for me and figured out how to incorporate them into my life and schedule. This was followed by discovering the experience of enjoyment from moving my body. Eventually, I was amazed that I was not only able to heal from such a serious accident but actually to reach a better physical state than I’d been in prior to it. But it wasn’t easy, it took a long time, and there were frequent backslides. At many points, I temporarily felt hopeless and defeated.

Hearing myself explain the silver lining of this accident that day caused me to begin looking for seeds planted in every mishap, misfortune, calamity, injustice, etc. I’d always hated the phrase “everything happens for a reason” – likely as a result of many people close to me dying under tragic circumstances when I was a kiddo – but after having this epiphany about the bus accident, I was more open to seeing ways that difficulty in my life so often brought me to goodness.

Sometimes, I get impatient waiting for the goodness. But it typically seems to come in some form or other, often when I least expect it.

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